I Think My Divorce Helped Me Heal My Generational Pain

Here’s what happened when I realized I “married my mother.”

Kristina Jancar
5 min readOct 18, 2021


Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

“It became less important to me to fix my marriage once I focused on healing my relationship with my mom.”

This was my latest therapy breakthrough — admitting to my therapist that my feelings about my marriage eerily reflected my sentiments about my relationship with my mother.

Becoming aware of my mommy issues over the last year — and that I married someone just like my mother — means that I also just divorced my mother.

What kind of mommy issues did I have?

I would always seek out the unhealed — the emotionally unavailable people in the world. I was constantly trying to “fix” them.

To me, a fixer-upper = an opportunity to take a Grinch heart and make it grow three-sizes. To prove that I am truly lovable.

The relationship that started this addiction was the one with my mother. Well, our relationship B.B. — Before Brother.

It wasn’t until today that I thought to measure time in these increments:

  • B.B. — Before Brother. Before I found out the family secret that changed my life; and
  • A.B. — After Brother. After I met the secret brother that was the missing link to my healing.

Today is exactly one year A.B. — After Brother.

You see, before I met my brother (which oddly sounds like the name of a cheesy network T.V. sitcom), I was angry with my mother.

No, that’s not true — I was angry and disgusted with her.

But I guess I also married her…and just divorced her.

Let’s unpack this shit.

My mom had a teenage pregnancy. Not only was that jaw-dropping to find out last year, but the real kicker was she got pregnant with — my dad.



Kristina Jancar

Fortune 100 Leader. Mama. Storyteller. Poet. Yoga Teacher. I feel my feelings—and I write about: Lifestyle | Health | Mindfulness | Self | Leadership✨